WHAT IF IT EXPLODES?!?

OH FRACK! Looks like humans just can’t leave well enough alone! Word is on the conspiracy sites, like the site at this link right here, fracking in Hawaii woke up the big volcano. So now you have Earth Mother relieving its constipation of magma. And as the plates shift, you now have a ginormous pez dispenser of lava and toxic gas. Maybe good for the stratosphere, but not for humans, whom of course, always find a way to F up whatever environment they ‘claim’ for their egocentrics.

So what happens if it explodes….and it will…what can everyone expect? Buh-Bye big island. At least for several years after the big one. The soil will be rich, so yah, it can become habitable again in the late 2020’s.

But when it does happen, all that ash will block out the sun. Then there’s the direction of the explosion. Predictions say it will blow out the East side of the island. That means tsunamis for the west coast of the USA. So if you’re below 50ft above ocean level along the Southern California West Coast, you may want to have your must-haves ready to load in and get to higher ground.

When you do move to higher ground, though, stay off the White House Lawn: They’re already sinking back into the ocean in Washington DC.

You can watch the progress of Kilauea HERE.

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Graduation Week – Monster News

Hey! We’re graduating by the seat of our pants this week!
So now we’re going to post a few freakish links and some videos.
Then we’re going to ask for kickstarter money so we can produce a horror slasher with killer klowns. Who’s in?
Senior Prank!!!
Dinosaur Visits New Jersey?!?
Bigfoot Moving into DETROIT?!?

ALIEN TAKE-OVER 50% COMPLETE?!?

YOU are the supreme leader of another world, and YOU want earth. BUT YOU know the STRONGEST of your kind could never beat Diana Ross in a bitch-slap contest. And one pickup truck fulla drunk rednecks could easily squash 100 of your kind no problemo. What do you do?
You just can’t go and start zapping everything, because you know that if Earthlings ever found out that honey bees and doobie smoke has the power to immediately wipe out 70% of all the hostile alien visitors/invaders from this and several dozen galaxies, your alien ass would be toast. You have to be sneaky… gotta have that mind-bending alien plan.
Thank Alien that most of the humans species submit to the rantings of dogma rewritten by constipated old grumps and aliens from the dark ages!

Humans have been primed to submit and serve since they were created by various alien species thousands of years ago. Heck, even Napoleon knew this!
He shut down the aliens in the Catholic Church and even coined the phrase “Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”


So how are you, a rich alien in power, going to take over the world? Or how have you been taking over the world? Interbreed the women and set them forth to mate with the men. And then their kids evolve into YOU. It takes awhile, but the wait is worth the take-over, eh? NOT SO FAST!

Not if we still have honey bees and medical mary jane clinics!

ICEBERG INVASION and VIKING GHOST SHIPS ?!?

The weather topped the news this past weekend when that Facebook founder guy was upstaged by climate gone CrAzY. Not only did some places get 2 feet of snow in the USA, but ice tornados touched down, temperatures froze highways in seconds, and giant icebergs threatened the Mackinac bridge, closing it down while vikings thawed out of one iceberg and made a hasty getaway.

Now waitaminit: I’ve heard some true stories that put this kind of Lit Lit to shame. But we’re not allowed to report the inflated tall tales and back room testimonies between Marky and the officials whose palms will be sufficiently greased and pockets generously stuffed.

It must be sweet to be able to get away with selling Thor to hot pockets.

We want MySpace back.

PAUL BUNYAN remodels MALAYSIAN SKYLINE

With the passage of the FAKE NEWS ban in Malaysia, we’re more than certain that many a journalist is reconsidering this destination for vacation. If we’re Mcluvin’ a destination, we’ll hang out for a few weeks and explore, chill with the locals, buy their beer and ghost hunt.
But for 6 years? Willy Weasel is not a fan of being hustled from plane to jail because of a joke piece he wrote in 2006. There ARE destinations out there that WILL look up your social media history and punk you as an example. Just like in that movie Midnight Express. Yah, you could say we’re really, really scurred to visit places with lots of sand. Or where the government changes ‘leadership’ every 38 hours.
Paul Bunyan reminds us that America is still the land of the free with something awesome called the First Amendment. Yah, sure, if you’re a loose cannon like us, there’s a good chance we’ll never be employed by a conservative company. But at least we know secret lynching police mobs won’t lock us away for bad humor and harvest our organs.
Our hat’s off to a government that’s basically structured the same as it’s ever been for 200 years now, doing their best to keep up with a population that’s exploded from 2.5 million in 1776 to 327 million as of last year.

Maybe we need more presidents?
Or maybe we need more Weekly World News?
Like Men In Black say, it’s the REAL news!


FUTURISM: Happy Birthday!

When Filippo Marinetti published his FUTURIST MANIFESTO in Le FIGARO, a prestigious newspaper from Paris ( which his father held stock in ), on this day of February 20, 1909, the world changed forever. The law graduate-turned-angry-poet was on a mission to shut down the old ways, museums, schools, libraries, and replace them with his Futurist vision. Kind of sounds like what ALL of us angry young artists want to do, eh? Glorify war, shut down feminism and other such utilitarian forms of cowardice, yada yada and open a giant comic book shop that stays open 24-7 with a booze n’ weed lounge and live death metal bands. I remember those days in my youth, but I didn’t have a rich dad who could get my manifesto of sex robots and legalized weed published. And nobody rallied to my cause, ‘cuz seriously, I was nuttier then than I am now…. or am I? Nutty as Filippo was, though, he managed to rally brilliant artists to his cause and deliver dynamic new imagery, stage performance, architecture, music, and yes, even a FUTURIST COOK BOOK, which, to his surprise, was gaining popularity as he passed from this world December 2, 1944. Marinetti got a bad rap for being a fascist too, and as radical as he and his Manifesto was from the get go, he found himself gradually turning away from the mindset after Mussolini gave him the cold shoulder and subscribed to Hitler’s Degernerate Art. Mussolini’s mistress, miss ravioli sauce, or whoever she was who knew NOTHING about art, was placed in charge of directing Filippo and his associates thru the remainder of WW2 which pretty much marked the end of the Futurist movement. We solute you, Filippo Marinetti, for delivering onto the world, the fine art of Balla, Severini, Carra, Crali, Nevinson, Ugo and so many more….. the sculpture of Umberto Boccioni….The music of Luigi Russolo….and the graphic design of Fortunato Depero, whose style is seen to this day in and inspiring commercial advertising everywhere… THANK YOU.

DEATH of a PUPPET

Thoughts of dog toy and spin cycle wash thru my mind first when I think of a puppet death. That or the last show of ALF that left all of us dangling for a new season, if anything, for a new theme song with more energy and less Golden Girl-ish bland. No, the puppet death involved Willy Weasel, out in the great outdoors, hiking and having a great time with Billy Bigfoot, when suddenly, he dies from heart attack. Really. But puppets don’t die: Ask Charlie McCarthy, Lambchop and Howdy Doody. Oh that’s right. They can’t talk because they’re ‘retired’. Willy Weasel, on the other hand, chose to die on camera in the name of heart health. His minute PSA for the American Heart Association ‘ I should have ‘ is a quick education on the healthy ‘ should do’s ‘ in your life. Yah. I should drink less beer and eat less fried chicken. And lay off the Krispy Kremes. This is a great production, and maybe the kids will learn from Willy’s tragedy wilst having joy and fun and seasons in the sun. Yes. That’s it! We’ll have a new healthy generation to run the world. Realistically, though, the world will run them with all the stresses of modern feudalism and material attachments. They will drink. They will eat. They will smoke. They will take pain killers to keep America the #1 country in the world with pain issues. And then in disenfranchisement, some will welcome the end. Wow. This went down a gloomy road real fast. BTW, the ventriloquists aforementioned died from cancer, not heart failure. And Willy Weasel is still alive. Behold. The power of the puppet.